This finale of the first season of I Must Break You is brought to you by my good friend and one of the most unique people I’ve had the pleasure of knowing, Lady Leigh Peele.

When people want to lose fat, there are a variety of folks they can go to, but when they want to lose fat FOR-EV-ER, learning all about what goes into the whole process, they go see Leigh. While she’s technically brilliant, where Leigh offers the most value to the world is her expertise on the psychological/physiological factors and roadblocks that people run into during fat loss/maintenance.

Leigh knows I’m kinda sorta really obsessed with zombies, so she was kind enough to put together a challenge that would not only test me physically, but ensure that I would be one of the last fitness writers standing in the wake of the inevitable zombie uprising.

Here we go!

Sexification Note: You’re not gonna get me that easy, Leigh. I started with sexual intercourse. I’m sad to report that Stacey Dash didn’t have a chance once the horde broke through the door. She was left clueless.

First off, lets talk attire. Not having a shirt might be seen by some as a disadvantage, but I view it as a plus. Most chumps get grabbed by a zombie and in their struggle to break free end up falling on the ground only to get ganged up on by even more zombies. While a lack of shirt makes me more susceptible to scratches, the added mobility it allows me is more than worth the trade off. Plus it’s scientifically proven that zombies fear muscle, so increasing your jacktitude could very well save your life!

There wasn’t a chain link fence around, so I subbed in epic rope climbs, proving that if my life depended on climbing a rope to escape it would be game over for The Rog.

I also opted for head smashes over nut crunchers for the simple fact that zombies aren’t going around trying to fornicate with people. They’re trying eat their faces. In light of this mind blowing fact, it makes more sense to incapacitate their eating apparatus vs their sexy parts. As shown in the video, a series of rapid heel strikes in quick succession is the most effective way to curb stomp the undead into submission.

Do you know what else zombies hate? Getting punched in the face! In a world where guns mean attention and attention means death, you had best level up your melee skills if you want to stand a chance. Practice your kung fu kicks. Practice your hand to hand combat skills and DEFINITELY practice your Street Fighter uppercuts (AKA Shoryuken) – all of these will come in handy when going for the stealth kills.

After 3 rounds of this, there may have been  a few times that I contemplated laying on the ground, closing my eyes, and letting the horde of shuffling killers take me – who would’ve thought fighting for your life could be so exhausting?

Status: Broken