It all started with a workout created by my friend Leigh Peele designed to crush my body and soul.
Only after I finished the workout and was left wheezing on the ground like an asthmatic Zebra did I realize just how out of shape I was. It was cool, though – my life aspirations and physique doesn’t require me to lift beyond 8 reps, and the only jogging I do is if a strong gust of wind blows some papers out of my hand and I need to chase them down.
Back to regular life I went, until one day it hit me.
While watching my favorite show, The Walking Dead, and seeing all the ridiculousness that they had to go through just to survive, I realized a painful truth: if the zombie apocalypse ever happened in real life, I would be SO dead!
In a feeble attempt to make myself feel better, I started to playback in my head all of the zombie movies and gauge whether I would survive or not, and even that was pitiful.
Dawn of the Dead? Dead.
28 Days Later? Super dead.
Night of the Living Dead? Finished.
Shaun of the Dead? Game over (yes, I’d find a way to die even in a comedy).
Even if I went back to the first zombie movies where they more or less waddled after you, I’d still die. This is when I had an epiphany: If I’m in ok shape and would still end up as zombie bait, what happens to my friends who are in worse shape than me?!
A lot of my best friends don’t train. Hell, my own mom doesn’t even lift – and I love my mom! I can’t be satisfied with my current training plan, which is sure to leave me temporarily friendless and momless right before my weak heart gives out, I trip and fall on some wet leaves and get eaten by zombies.
Enter my homie and partner in zombie slayage, John Romaniello. We present to you, the Zombie Apocalypse Survival Workout
If we’re going to make our mark on the world, then hot damn it’s going to be for preparing as many people as we possibly can for the upcoming zombie apocalypse!
Do you doubt that this is eventually going to happen? As the great sage and philosopher DMX one said – do you think this is a game?! If so, look no further than headlines from the actual news.
- In Maine, an official Zombie Outbreak Response Team vehicle is found upturned with high-powered weaponry on board. Perhaps it was on its way to an actual isolated event?
- Further to that, a sign was altered to let people know of the zombie danger—and quickly changed back. Sounds like a cover-up if ever I heard one.
- In Baltimore, a college student is arrested after murdering his roommate and eating his brains and heart. Let that sink in for a moment – his BRAINS AND HEART!
- And then there’s the infamous Bath Salts incident in Miami, Florida where a man was shot and killed by police after eating a man’s face off on the side of the road as cars whizzed by, offering no help.
- Perhaps most telling—not to mention alarming—the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention have issued an official zombie survival preparedness guide, complete with items to stockpile and government protocol in the case of an outbreak.
This workout guide will be the most important purchase you ever make since it’s the only guide that will get you fit enough to slay the undead, protect your family and survive the end of the world (while looking good doing it).
In the off-chance that the world doesn’t go to zombie hell in a bike basket, you’ll still be rewarded with a truly Sexified physique along with a Liam Neeson in Taken set of skills (we’re talking speed and endurance here, not martial arts and neck snapping).
Dying sucks in general, but dying at the hands of a zombie sucks even more. Since I care about you so much and want you to be ready to dominate the undead with reckless abandon, the Zombie Apocalypse Survival Workout is on sale for 50% until this Friday at midnight