It all started with a workout created by my friend Leigh Peele designed to crush my body and soul.

Only after I finished the workout and was left wheezing on the ground like an asthmatic Zebra did I realize just how out of shape I was. It was cool, though – my life aspirations and physique doesn’t require me to lift beyond 8 reps, and the only jogging I do is if a strong gust of wind blows some papers out of my hand and I need to chase them down.

Back to regular life I went, until one day it hit me.

While watching my favorite show, The Walking Dead, and seeing all the ridiculousness that they had to go through just to survive, I realized a painful truth: if the zombie apocalypse ever happened in real life, I would be SO dead!

In a feeble attempt to make myself feel better, I started to playback in my head all of the zombie movies and gauge whether I would survive or not, and even that was pitiful.

Dawn of the Dead? Dead.
28 Days Later? Super dead.
Night of the Living Dead? Finished.
Shaun of the Dead? Game over (yes, I’d find a way to die even in a comedy).

Even if I went back to the first zombie movies where they more or less waddled after you, I’d still die. This is when I had an epiphany: If I’m in ok shape and would still end up as zombie bait, what happens to my friends who are in worse shape than me?!

A lot of my best friends don’t train. Hell, my own mom doesn’t even lift – and I love my mom! I can’t be satisfied with my current training plan, which is sure to leave me temporarily friendless and momless right before my weak heart gives out, I trip and fall on some wet leaves and get eaten by zombies.

Enter my homie and partner in zombie slayage, John Romaniello. We present to you, the Zombie Apocalypse Survival Workout

If we’re going to make our mark on the world, then hot damn it’s going to be for preparing as many people as we possibly can for the upcoming zombie apocalypse!

Do you doubt that this is eventually going to happen? As the great sage and philosopher DMX one said – do you think this is a game?! If so, look no further than headlines from the actual news.

• In Maine, an official Zombie Outbreak Response Team vehicle is found upturned with high-powered weaponry on board. Perhaps it was on its way to an actual isolated event?
• Further to that, a sign was altered to let people know of the zombie danger—and quickly changed back. Sounds like a cover-up if ever I heard one.
• In Baltimore, a college student is arrested after murdering his roommate and eating his brains and heart. Let that sink in for a moment – his BRAINS AND HEART!
• And then there’s the infamous Bath Salts incident in Miami, Florida where a man was shot and killed by police after eating a man’s face off on the side of the road as cars whizzed by, offering no help.
• Perhaps most telling—not to mention alarming—the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention have issued an official zombie survival preparedness guide, complete with items to stockpile and government protocol in the case of an outbreak.

This workout guide will be the most important purchase you ever make since it’s the only guide that will get you fit enough to slay the undead, protect your family and survive the end of the world (while looking good doing it).

In the off-chance that the world doesn’t go to zombie hell in a bike basket, you’ll still be rewarded with a truly Sexified physique along with a Liam Neeson in Taken set of skills (we’re talking speed and endurance here, not martial arts and neck snapping).

Dying sucks in general, but dying at the hands of a zombie sucks even more. Since I care about you so much and want you to be ready to dominate the undead with reckless abandon, the Zombie Apocalypse Survival Workout is on sale for 50% until this Friday at midnight

Click here to pick up your copy and join the zombie resistance!

I’m going to keep this one short and sweet like Danny DeVito eating a Cinnabon: one day, in the not too distant future, a human’s worth will not judged by their kindness, achievements or accolades, but by the strength and shape of their glutes. I don’t even want to begin on the social life-killing stigma of being the only one in your peer group NOT able to turn a piece of coal into a diamond with one flex of your butt cheeks.

If you’re looking for specific exercises to add to your arsenal, make sure to check out Bret Contreras’ page. He’s like King Midas of the fanny – everything he touches turns to glutes instead of gold (which will be worth far more in the future, anyway).

I care too much about you to see you suffer booty ostracism.

Rog’s Rump Revival Rules

1. The 40 Year Old Virgin will teach you everything that you need to know about glutes

The great sage Steve Carell once asked the greatest question known in the history of the world: is it true that if you don’t use it, you lose it?

When it comes to the glutes, this is the absolute truth.

For a variety of reasons (constantly sitting on them all day, never really learning how to use them in the first place, etc), most of our backsides are just plain ‘ol weak and inefficient. The problem doesn’t correct itself when we load up the barbell and expect the glutes to get their act together without being properly taught how to. This would be similar to taking  a 6 year old away from their coloring books and snacks and throwing them into an advance physics class – they’re just not ready.

If you don’t use ’em, you will lose ’em. Friend’s don’t let friends lose their glutes.

2. Work your glutes all day every day

The following exercises take less than a minute to do, but will help take your booty development to the next level. You can do them in the morning after you wake up, at night before you go off to dream land, or as part of  warm up before lifting. The more you turn your glutes “on” and actually FEEL them working, the easier it will be to call upon their awesomeness when you need it.

Create that mind-muscle connection and you will be handsomely rewarded.

Do 1-2 sets of 10 reps each side for these exercises.

Now for some real life bonus tips that you can do without throughout the day.

• When you’re walking, focus on extending your hip back and really feeling your glutes squeeze with each step. Think “walk like Robocop”.
• Stand up every now and then and just squeeze your butt together for 10 reps. If you really want to spice it up and feel them working, hold each rep for 5 seconds.
• While sitting, flex each cheek individually, which will rock you from side to side a bit. For added flair and style points, squeeze both glutes together to bounce up and down and your chair. Yes, this does look as hilarious as it sounds.

3. Get ’em strong!

Now that you’ve woken your buns up, it’s time to integrate them into your lifts. Get strong at exercises like the deadlift and squat variations, hip thrusts and lunges. If you’ve been doing these with weak, non-functioning glutes (like I was for years), prepare to have your lifts skyrocket now that you have the strongest muscle in your body on your team. You might even shed a tear or two.

Remember to lock out with your glutes and NOT your lower back on all of the above exercises. Here is a video of how you want to approach it, especially if you have a history of low back pain like I do.

Questions? Concerns? Want some more tush talk? Leave a comment below – I’m more than happy to help you get to the bottom of this.

Remember: If you don’t squeeze it, no one else will.