Imagine that you run the most prestigious company in the world, Fuck Inc.
Your job as CEO is to deliver potent, pristine, high-powered fucks when they’re needed the most.
You’re the equivalent of Oprah in her prime.
You get a fuck, and YOU get a fuck, and you, so far in the back row that I’m not sure you can see me? I hope you’re ready to catch, because I’ve got a hot fuck coming your way!
You’re passing out fucks like you’re the Mayor of Fuckville.
Money is growing on trees, puppies are running into your arms like you’re a magnet for all things adorable, and steaks are cooking themselves and jumping into your mouth.
Life is good. Until it isn’t.
A sudden, unexpected demand of fucks comes across your desk and you’re caught with your pants down on a day you’re going commando.
You run downstairs into your Scrooge McDuck vault where you’ve stashed away a few hidden fucks for such an emergency.
Too bad it’s not enough, and your ration is quickly depleted. Your company is now forced to do something it has never done before: write fuck I.O.U.s
Like showing a starving man a picture of buttermilk pancakes, this does nothing for those whoneed them right now. You’re doubly screwed, compromising the quality of your once pristine product while simultaneously digging yourself into a fuck deficit the likes of which the world has never seen.
Soon you’re forced to shut down your once thriving business because you can no longer keep up with the demand.
So, how do we keep Fuck Inc. from closing its doors for good?
Know your value
This is the well from which all future fucks spring.
Your fucks are valuable, in limited supply and take time & energy to replenish, so don’t give them out to people and situations that don’t merit one.
Most things in life only require a damn, which you have a stockpile of at any given moment.
If you don’t value your fucks, then you’re sending signals to everyone else that they shouldn’t either.
Plug the holes
If you’re leaking fucks faster than a new Kanye album, it’s only a matter of time before you deplete your supply all over again, only this time it’s worse because you knew better.
Learn to say no.
To naysayers and doubters.
To expectations placed on you by others, both real and imagined.
To feeling like you have to eat all the food on your plate because if you don’t, some kid in China will starve.
To modes of exercise that make you want to stab yourself in the neck with a pencil.
To knowing (or worse, caring) about what’s going on in Kim Kardashian’s world; she gives approximately zero fucks about the happenings of yours.
This is your life. If you aren’t careful about what you give your energy to you’ll find yourself being pulled in a million directions like the last flat screen TV on Black Friday.
Everyone has a voice, but that doesn’t mean you should listen to their unfiltered jibbajabba. Don’t discount your self-awareness for the sake of prioritizing theirs.
The simple act of plugging your holes gives you an instant fuck boost. The fucks you do have now stay in your bucket waiting to be spent instead of immediately leaking out.
And the next time you sense a fuck-draining vampire scenario coming your way, lean back and dodge it like Neo in The Matrix.
Aggressive Fuck Redistribution
You’ve patched up your leaks, started saying no to the bullshit and took back your power by hiring a bouncer to keep all the fuck thieves out of your party. Here’s where it starts to get mad delicious.
Now you get to say yes and actually choose where you spend your fucks.
The whole “zero fucks given” movement is misguided, the equivalent of hopping in your car and yelling “zero wheels needed” and then being upset that you’re not going anywhere.
Fucks are our rocket fuel, and to live a fulfilled life you actually do need them. Our attention is our most valuable resource, so it’s time to do the work and prioritize where you want to allocate that resource.
What are your values? Spend your fucks in a way that reinforces them daily.
Who do you love and want to serve? Spend your fucks in a way that supports them.
Who do you want to be? Cast your fuck ballot in a way that creates that person through action.
AFR: Aggressive Fuck redistribution.
Having your fucks siphoned of can leave you feeling, tired, dirty and worse for wear than if your browser history was made public.
On the other hand, actively choosing from moment to moment to allocate your fucks in a meaningful way is empowering.
Wisely spent fucks beget more fucks. Spend 1 and get 2 (or more) in return.
Congratulations – you’ve just turned yourself into a perpetual fuck machine.
When you feel like you’re running low on your fucks, that’s the time to do whatever you need to in order to bring them back to baseline – exercise, hang out with a friend, go sit in nature, eat some ice cream in the dark and fill the carton back up with your tears.
There is nothing noble about running yourself into the ground. All guts and glory will only get you so far. In the marathon of life, it’s a constant dance of knowing when to push like the Devil is hot on your ass and knowing when to lay back in the cut and recover.
From this moment on, a fuck deficit is no longer acceptable.
Do this by any means necessary, because if you wait until you’re truly at zero fucks, everyone loses – both you and the ones you love and serve.