Zombie Survival Workout

This finale of the first season of I Must Break You is brought to you by my good friend and one of the most unique people I’ve had the pleasure of knowing, Lady Leigh Peele.

When people want to lose fat, there are a variety of folks they can go to, but when they want to lose fat FOR-EV-ER, learning all about what goes into the whole process, they go see Leigh. While she’s technically brilliant, where Leigh offers the most value to the world is her expertise on the psychological/physiological factors and roadblocks that people run into during fat loss/maintenance.

Leigh knows I’m kinda sorta really obsessed with zombies, so she was kind enough to put together a challenge that would not only test me physically, but ensure that I would be one of the last fitness writers standing in the wake of the inevitable zombie uprising.

Here we go!

Sexification Note: You’re not gonna get me that easy, Leigh. I started with sexual intercourse. I’m sad to report that Stacey Dash didn’t have a chance once the horde broke through the door. She was left clueless.

First off, lets talk attire. Not having a shirt might be seen by some as a disadvantage, but I view it as a plus. Most chumps get grabbed by a zombie and in their struggle to break free end up falling on the ground only to get ganged up on by even more zombies. While a lack of shirt makes me more susceptible to scratches, the added mobility it allows me is more than worth the trade off. Plus it’s scientifically proven that zombies fear muscle, so increasing your jacktitude could very well save your life!

There wasn’t a chain link fence around, so I subbed in epic rope climbs, proving that if my life depended on climbing a rope to escape it would be game over for The Rog.

I also opted for head smashes over nut crunchers for the simple fact that zombies aren’t going around trying to fornicate with people. They’re trying eat their faces. In light of this mind blowing fact, it makes more sense to incapacitate their eating apparatus vs their sexy parts. As shown in the video, a series of rapid heel strikes in quick succession is the most effective way to curb stomp the undead into submission.

Do you know what else zombies hate? Getting punched in the face! In a world where guns mean attention and attention means death, you had best level up your melee skills if you want to stand a chance. Practice your kung fu kicks. Practice your hand to hand combat skills and DEFINITELY practice your Street Fighter uppercuts (AKA Shoryuken) – all of these will come in handy when going for the stealth kills.

After 3 rounds of this, there may have been  a few times that I contemplated laying on the ground, closing my eyes, and letting the horde of shuffling killers take me – who would’ve thought fighting for your life could be so exhausting?

Status: Broken

I Must Break You – Marianne Kane

For those new to the series, make sure to check out Nadine Brown and Nia Shanks attempt to send me to the great beyond.

In each release, I’ll be performing a new workout designed by some of the world’s best trainers and strength coaches in an attempt to…well, break me. This is just a way to add some variety and fun to my sessions (and give you something to laugh/cringe at) while giving all of you Sexified readers out there some ideas to inject into your own workouts every now and then.

Today’s entry is brought to you by the amazingly awesome Marianne “The Pain” Kane.

Marianne is the owner and creator of MyoMytv, a website that provides free workouts for time crunched humans using a variety of bodyweight and kettlebell exercises, with a hefty dose of inspiration from her own life sprinkled throughout. I went through the archives and chose this lovely gem of a workout to test drive, so peep it:

Complete 3 separate rounds of the following 10 exercises. After each round, complete the “Bridging Combo”. Use a 15 second on/45 second rest interval for all the exercises.

Thruster into Reverse Lunge (right)
Thruster into Reverse Lunge (left)
Double KB Suitcase Deadlift Burpee
Jump Rope
Super Plank Climber
Two-Handed Swing
Renegade Row
Stand-Kneel-Stand (right)
Stand-Kneel-Stand (left)
Roundabout Swings

Bridging Combo
Sub-Max Pull Ups
Alternating Single-Leg Hip Thrusts x 20 (10 each leg)

This workout was made infinitely more enjoyable thanks to the help of my friends Nick Moore and Sohee Lee, who I somehow convinced to share in the pain for me Well, that and the short work interval. 

For the first two rounds, things went pretty well (aside from a falling over like a Goof Troop) on the Renegade Rows. During the 3rd round though, Nick and his sick, infinite wisdom decided to change the breakdown from 15/45 to 20/20 – a minor adjustment, but enough to cause me to hate life just a bit more.

My jump rope skills are pretty much non-existent to opted to use my invisible rope for this session since it would be more entertaining than watching me get 1 jump in 15 seconds while managing to snag Nick & Sohee up in my rope…actually that would’ve been much more entertaining – noted.

Like all good workouts should, this one ended in a lovely human front squat.

While this workout was a challenge, I scaled back on the weight I used (16kg & 20kg) since I rarely do kettlebell exercises and wanted to make sure I didn’t break myself prematurely. With that said, the rest intervals will make or break this one – had we bumped it up to 30/30 for all of the rounds, Marianne may ended up pouring out some liquor for her 3 fallen homies.

Status: Unbroken

Next week will conclude the first season of I Must Break You, featuring an apocalyptic workout from fat loss expert, Lady Leigh Peele.

I Must Break You – Nadine Brown

Welcome to the first thrilling & action (or lack thereof) packed edition of “I Must Break You”

In each release, I’ll be performing a new workout designed by some of the world’s best trainers and strength coaches in an attempt to…well, break me. This is just a way to add some variety and fun to my sessions (and give you something to laugh/cringe at) while giving all of you Sexified readers out there some ideas to inject into your own workouts every now and then.

Today’s edition is brought to you by Nadine “The Queen of Mean” Brown

Nadine is a personal trainer out of Australia’s Matrix Boxing Gym and is the current Queensland professional champion in the lightweight division, so it goes without saying that she’s a beast and I clearly wasn’t in my right mind when accepting this challenge from her. Here is the workout:

Complete as many rounds of the following as you can in 30 minutes

20 Burpees
20 Bodyweight Squats
20 Pushups
40 Mountain Climbers (20 per foot)
20 Dumbbell Uppercuts

So, despite having the conditioning of a pregnant one legged elephant, I had several things going against me in this workout:

1 – I thought it would be a great idea to add this to the end of my workout, which consisted of heavy front squats, overhead presses, back squats and deadlifts. I ended up dropping the dumbbell uppercuts after the first round due to excessive shoulder fatigue.

2 – I’ve lived in the 1-8 rep range exclusively for the past few years, so doing anything over 10 reps causes my muscles to crouch in the corner in the fetal position wondering what they did to deserve such torture.

Combine all 3 of those factors and you have the Trifecta of Suck, which is what I did here! Despite sweating profusely and breathing like an awkward teenage Rog during the painting scene in Titanic, I managed to get 3 rounds in 25 minutes (had to get ready for a client) – not even close to good, but this sets the baseline for when I repeat this workout later on down the road.

Take not of the overall length of the video – that means I cut out close to 10 minutes of grunting and writhing on the ground. See how much I care about y’all?

Muscular endurance? Check!

Conditioning? Check!

Mental toughness? Check!

This workout had it all, and it broke me like a bad habit. Well done, Nadine – there is a small corner of my mind that will wince in pain whenever I hear the words burp, pee, or any combination of the two.

Status: BROKEN