Casein: A member of the most excellent protein family, which plays a role in pretty much everything we do, from enzyme function to making sure we don’t look like Skeletor due to lack of muscle mass. Don’t leave home without it.
Kevin Federline: Leader of the species of human commonly referred to as Supremeicus Dumbassicus. Despite first being documented around 17,000 BC, no known benefits have been established.
Casein: The Superman of the dietary protein world, well-known for its documented anti-catabolic properties, which is a fancy way of saying that it contributes significantly to the prevention of muscle breakdown.
Kevin Federline: There is no pretty way of saying this folks, so I’m gonna just throw it out there: K-Fed is straight up 129% catabolic to every tissue in the human body. Scientific studies have shown that just 2 minutes of exposure to K-Fed at any point in your life will cause irreparable damage to the brain and decrease muscle mass by 72%. You will also lose the ability to love.
Casein: As a slower digesting protein found in milk, cheese and other dairy products, it tends to keep you satiated for longer periods of time. Also, depending on the flavor, it can be quite delectable.
Kevin Federline: There ain’t nothing slow (highly debatable) or tasty about K-Fed. Like a ninjitsu Sonic the Hedgehog, he hits you hard and fast, leaving you mighty blue and depressed from having briefly been in his presence. His unique sound can best be described as…you know what? I won’t even try. Prepare yourself for what may very well be the worst album of all time.
Casein: At only $29.99 for a months supply, adding a scoop or two a day to your current intake won’t break the bank.
Kevin Federline: Just by mentioning his name several times throughout this post I’ve managed to wipe out my entire life savings and lose my girlfriend all in one fell swoop. Can you imagine what its like to be married to this guy?! Imagine no more. In what will most certainly go down in history as the most bizarre and outrageous Jedi mind trick ever performed, Kevin managed not only to go from nada to Prada by hooking up with Britney Spears, but he actually leveled up after the divorce. Peep the stats:
- A 2004 pre-nup called for K-Fed to get $250,000 for each year of their marriage, but Spears upped that figure to $500,000 to speed up the negotiations.
- He receives half the proceeds from their Malibu mansion, which is on the market for $13.5 million.
- $25,000 a month in child support for each of the couple’s two children until they reach 18. He also gets custody of the boys four days a week.
- Federline gets to keep all the gifts Spears bought them during their marriage.
- He’s forbidden from writing a tell-all about their marriage.
Winner: Kevin Federline
The count says it all. If you’re interested in lean mass preservation and a delicious and convenient protein source, I encourage you to buy a tub of casein (or, even better, a whey/casein mix) protein powder and give it a try to see how you like it. However, if you’re one of those rare individuals who enjoy the sound of terrible music and would like nothing more than to surrender some brain cells over to the dark side, then you have met your savior. Oh, and by the way, his kick game is ridiculous.
So, my loyal readers, where do you get your protein supplements from? And who would you rather have on your side in an alley fight, a cow or Kevin Federline? Shoot me your answers in the comment section below. Thanks for reading, and I would say that I love you, but I’ve lost the ability to experience that emotion.